Damaged

There are many things that can damage children. The abuse of children no matter how they seem as adults sticks with them. Children that have been sexually abused have had something taken from them that they can never get back. I really hope there is a special Hell for the scum that prey on children. As adults there are many things that cause disfunction in our lives. Get over it is really not an option when in your mind the abuse suffered never is totally gone; it is there and nothing can take if from you. Even thought the person that abused you took something you can never get over. I have lived a relatively normal life, considering. My experiences I am sure made me not the most positive person. My self-esteem is something I have lacked in most areas. Many times I think I come across as having too much. I tend to pat myself on the back to make myself feel like I am really somebody. At this point in my life I am searching my soul to understand why I still feel inferior to most people. The answer is probably more simple than I realize. I have felt sorry for myself more days than not; crying being very common for me to do almost everyday. I have self medicated and with great luck not developed a drinking or drug problem. I function quite normally to the people around me. The people who know me best know that I have some bad attitudes towards why I can't be totally happy with what I have and have accomplised. Being truely happy was taken from me as a small child. In my mind I still think that I was chosen to be the one abused because I was not as good as the rest of the children around me. He targeted me because I was the child that came from the poor living conditions we experienced up-north. To me it was who I was and where I came from. My intelligence tells me different, but crying on the way home from church trips with my aunt and cousins is a clue to me now that I think about it, that I was already damaged from the abuse when I was 10 or 12. I never told the story to anyone except my brother and he shook it off as something we never talked about again. I would never tell my aunt because she worshiped her dad. I could not hurt her. All that it matters to are now dead. I wonder if when we get to the here after; do we find out all the secrets and bad things that we do here on earth. I hope my grandmother knows. Probably not, because she is in Heaven and I want him to be in a special Hell. A Hell hotter than just anyone else's. Damaged, but not useless is what abuse has done to me.